When you were a child, did you dream of falling in love and settling down with ‘the one‘ to live happily ever after? In my teens, that’s pretty much all I focused on.
Naturally, because I was seeking fulfilment and self-worth outside of myself, I managed to attract a whole lot of the opposite. In fact, at ages 16, 17 and 18, I experienced three catastrophic heart-breaks. After that, my heart literally shut up shop for almost 10 years.
That’s the thing about relationships – both romantic and platonic – we attract people into our lives who reflect our deepest core beliefs about ourselves.
If you have self-worth issues and you believe at a deep subconscious level that you are not worthy of support, then it’s highly likely that your other half is not very supportive of you in your day to day life.
So, in this example, your beliefs (lack of worthiness) influence your thoughts (about not being supported) which impacts your feelings (of being alone and unloved), which determines your behaviours (isolating yourself, not communicating your needs) which leads to your results (an un-supportive relationship and you not getting what you want).
This is what I call a Cycle of Sabotage; and in the case where a relationship dynamic is involved, you get a double whammy of Sabotage. That’s because, not only are your beliefs creating your own results; your beliefs are also creating your relationship dynamic, which is ultimately keeping your current paradigm and results in place.
Almost every single client that I’ve worked with has rated a loving and empowered relationship as their number one goal. Yet, for some, making that goal a reality is the greatest challenge they face in their lives.
Why? Because we attract what we believe about ourselves. So, to draw a line in the sand and choose a different belief about ourselves and then teach someone else a new way to treat us, is a complete letting go of our entire identity, as we know it.
That’s why relationships can sometimes feel like broken records! The same dynamics get played out, time and time again because we are programmed to keep looking for evidence to support our beliefs about ourselves. Breaking that programming, particularly when we’ve taught someone else to consistently trigger that programming within us, can be a big step for any individual.
However, to craft a life you absolutely love with all the success, vitality, freedom and fulfilment that you desire – there has to be a complete paradigm shift in how you show up. Relationships, both romantic and platonic, are the cornerstone of the human experience. Who you choose to spend time with and how you spend that time, has such a profound influence over the quality of your life.
Many years ago, I was part of a women’s business network. I met many wonderful, wonderful women through that group. However, a large proportion of us were struggling in business and not really making any money. Knowing what I know now, I can see that the group dynamic actually worked to keep the struggle in place.
To break any relationship dynamic, requires a complete shift in how you show up; and how you show up depends on your core beliefs. It also requires an immense amount of courage to be willing to draw a line in the sand and say, today I’m going to be different and therefore, today you are going to respond to me differently.
We teach people to either help us sabotage our results or to challenge us to grow. The latter is not always easy, however, stepping into the initial discomfort is always rewarding.
So take note of all of your relationships:
1. What disempowered beliefs are those relationship dynamics helping support?
2. Are those relationships supporting your growth and success?
3. If dysfunction exists, what is the core belief driving that dynamic and what’s it going to take for you to draw a line in the sand and break the Cycle of Sabotage once and for all?
The biggest fear people hold around relationships is that if they change, 1) they will be rejected and 2) they might find out that the disempowered belief they hold about themselves is true. That’s why the Cycle of Sabotage can be so hard to break.
However, it’s just an illusion and the rewards are immense if you take a stand for yourself and for the quality of the relationships you experience with the people closest to you.
If you want to surround yourself with amazing, like-minded individuals who are committed to personal growth and development, why not join my Facebook Group, PROJECT FUN? ~ Sally G X
Sally Guest is a Personal Transformation Coach & Wellness Advocate certified with the Australasian organisation, Evolved Leadership and based in Ottawa, ON. She is a former corporate/commercial lawyer who now works with stressed, busy and dissatisfied individuals to help them craft a life they love, right now, irrespective of their circumstances. You can reach Sally at email@example.com or (613) 292-1393.