In the 3rd month of my 39th year, I lay on my bed for several hours uncontrollably sobbing. Gut wrenching, snotty, ugly wailing! The pain in my heart ran so deep, that it physically hurt. It hurt real bad. I literally felt completely worthless. So worthless that I thought my husband and daughter would be better off without me; that my life was just one big piece of turd.
Oh, the drama!
To make matters worse, I knew in my head that none of this was the truth. I knew that I was making a choice to buy into this deep wound within me. Yet, I couldn’t stop it. It was like a freight train gathering speed and all of my personal awareness and knowledge wasn’t going to slow it down. In fact, telling myself that I knew better, actually sped the damn train up.
So, what was my BIG problem?
Just before my daughter was born, I decided that I wanted to really help people. Commercial law hadn’t cut it, running my husband’s chiropractic clinic hadn’t cut it and organizing women’s wellness events hadn’t cut it, either.
I decided to train and certify as a coach when my baby was just 3 months old.
Five months later, I was on a one-way flight from New Zealand to Canada with my husband and 7 month old child, excited and finally ready to launch my ‘high end’ coaching business. I only knew a handful of people in my new city.
Believe it or not, I signed $61,800 worth of business in my first year.
And then, my business died. Completely. I just wasn’t connecting with anyone looking for $12-15k coaching packages.
It was almost a full year of no new clients when I hit rock bottom. I had just returned from a month at home in New Zealand to 10ft of snow in Ottawa. I had been showing up daily on social media. I had written over 50 blogs on my website. I had invested $6,000 in a business coaching course. Yet, no-one was knocking on my door for help.
The real kicker was, I knew I was a great coach. I had witnessed such amazing and at times, profound results in the people I’d worked with. And guess what? That just made my reality even harder to deal with.
What I was confronted by was layer upon layer upon layer of unfulfilled hopes, dreams and expectations. I thought I had finally found my true purpose. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard! Where was the flow? Why was I not meeting hardly any like-minded people in my new city? God, what a damn failure! Why couldn’t I get it together? Why couldn’t I catch a bloody break?
Wah wah wah!
I was so frustrated, I felt such despair, that I knew I had to take a break. I had to stop beating myself up like a child abuser. Harsh but true. I couldn’t live my life feeling like crap (physically and emotionally), wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else, with other people.
I was literally wishing my life away, waiting for that time in the future when I was back in New Zealand, wildly successful and drinking wine with my besties.
And then, I had a massive breakthrough.
After my husband got me out of bed and out of the house for a family walk, I looked at my 2 year old daughter. I realised that she didn’t even remotely have the capacity to hate herself or feel worthless. I realised that the deep wound I was living out of, was learned over a lifetime of devastations, heart breaks, disappointments and frustrations.
I recognized that everything I had been feeling came from the Wounded Child within me. Yet, my daughter hadn’t experienced enough of life yet, to be wounded. She’s literally wild and free.
I knew then, that it was time. I had to heal and break free from the Wounded Child that was running my life and my business and reconnect with the Wild Child in my heart. It sounds a bit woo-woo, however, I was sick of having zero fun in my life. In my element, I am both funny and fun. I am the life of the party and yet my reality was a no-go-party-zone!
My big breakthrough was seeing my Wounded Child for who she was. All of my layers of beliefs of worthlessness, self-hatred and disappointment were learned through past life-experiences; and if I could learn them, then surely I could un-learn them?
So, since my breakdown and breakthrough, what have I been up to? I have spent my time concentrating on me, my family and getting grounded in Ottawa. I have been exploring who my Wild Child is and what she wants for the rest of my life. I have completed a certification in the change-facilitation modality called Psych-K which transforms limiting subconscious beliefs into those that support our greatest desires. I have been diving deep to regain my health once and for all after a 10 year journey with a neurological condition.
I have come out the other side on an absolute mission to feel mind-body-soul fabulous when I hit 40 in January. I have regained my desire to write. I have regained my desire to really help people.
If I could hurt as much as I did; if I could feel that much despair for the state of my life, then there are other ‘mid-lifers’ out there who are feeling the same.
I do not have a formula. Indeed, one of the things that got me into trouble in the first place was trying to apply someone else’s formula to my own life. The truth is, life is not math, it is a colourful, subjective essay and every individual’s blueprint is different.
What I do have is the experience and some helpful tools that can assist with change-facilitation for those who really want it. Is that person, you? ~ Sally G X
Sally G is a Change Facilitator & Coach who helps frustrated and dissatisfied ‘mid-lifers’ who are operating at a fraction of their full potential to feel completely fabulous in the prime of their lives. She is based in Ottawa, Canada and works both locally and remotely. You can reach Sally at email@example.com or (613) 292 1393.